These days, when the discussion turns
to families and children, a term commonly heard is “responsible
parenting”. The precise meaning of this phrase depends upon
context, but almost always it is interpreted in terms of prudent use
of resources – most commonly economic resources, but sometimes
resources of time and personal energy of the parents. Though this
goal of responsible parenting is universally lauded as good, it is
interesting to notice that the almost inevitable conclusion of any
discussion is that the path of responsible parenting means fewer
children – sometimes as few as possible.
This is a predictable consequence of
viewing humans as merely economic entities, expending effort to
address scarcity and juggling supply and demand. This is one reason
you see so many studies published that “prove” how expensive it
is to raise a child*. These studies, combined with the
testimony of legions of “experts” on how psychologically damaging
it is to deprive a child of adequate parental attention or material
goods, send a clear message: to have more children than you can
“afford” to raise is irresponsible – and who wants to be an
irresponsible parent?
There are many levels where one could
engage the weaknesses of this attitude, but I'd rather let the record
speak for itself. By this economic understanding of childrearing,
Ellen and I could be a case study in irresponsible parenting. We got
married long before we had a steady source of adequate income – in
fact, between my first and second years of college. Our first baby
came between my second and third years of college, at which point
Ellen withdrew permanently from the workforce to attend to the vital
task of raising children (not that she'd been earning much as a
part-time substitute teacher.) By the time I graduated from college
we had two children. My entry-level salary enabled us to buy an
older home in a “working-class” neighborhood which we reconverted
from a rental unit. We had two more children in the following four
years.
Five years after receiving my degree, I
took a step of what some would consider economic insanity: I left my
corporate job to become self-employed. There went a predictable
income, benefits, and anything like a career path – I was now
totally dependent upon the Lord to provide for my family. But this
also meant that I was no longer gone for 13+ hours a day, and was
able to be around to help raise the children. The irregularity of my
income made us very shy of debt, so we stayed in our old house,
maintaining and remodeling rather than following the property
trade-up path that was supposedly the path to wealth. We drove older
cars, vacations were drives to Pennsylvania to stay with relatives
rather than trips to Disney World, none of our children knew what it
was like to have a cell phone, and all of them understood that there
was no college fund awaiting them when they graduated high school.
They had to drive old Buicks and Dodges while their high school
friends were given new Mustangs for 16th birthday
presents, and had to share rooms in a small old house while friends
had suites of their own in opulent waterfront houses. Their friends
had the privilege of considering which college their parents would
send them to while my children could only consider which schools
offered them sufficient scholarships and financial aid. It certainly
looked like their friends were the beneficiaries of responsible
parenting while my kids were not.
Now our children are all grown and gone
into adult life, and it's instructive to see how they live, and view
their lives. They are the true authorities, these victims of our
irresponsible parenting, for they were the ones who suffered the
economic and psychological deprivations of such scarcity. And you
know what? When they speak of their upbringing and family life, they
don't discuss what they never got. What they talk of is the richness
of growing up in a household full of love, and the tremendous gift
they are to each other. The complaints about another vacation in
Pennsylvania (and there were a few, especially when friends were
headed to Florida) have been eclipsed by fond memories of green hills
and rappelling lessons from their uncle. As adults, they're each
others best friends, supports, and confidants. They routinely thank us for the gift of each other. They're all well-balanced, loving,
and generous. All who wished to go to college got through, and those
that yet have to are serving in the armed forces, partly for the
education benefits.
There was another interesting dynamic,
even when my children were suffering through their deprived childhoods.
Those friends of theirs – the ones with the cars and the big
bedrooms in the waterfront homes – often ended up at our house. That's right: our old, cramped house in the working class neighborhood was a favorite destination. We
had “the best food”, and plenty of fun, and our doors were always
open. Friends were always welcome, cooking projects were encouraged,
and “hanging out” was the order of the day. I remember one time
one of my daughter's friends was seated at the kitchen table while
the cheery bustle of our home whirled around him. He looked up with
an expression of wonder and said, “There's so much love
here!”
That
was our goal. Though by the standards of the world our parenting was
hopelessly irresponsible, by the grace of God we were able to fill
our home with love. Our children didn't have the economic benefits
of many of their peers, but they learned how to love God, each other,
and everyone they met.
If
that's irresponsible parenting, I'll take it.
* Most of which
are demonstrably false. I know this because I know how many children
I've raised across the years and precisely how much I've earned over
that period. The simple mathematics proves that children can be
raised for far less than the experts contend.
