The first post of
the new year in this poor, neglected blog is going to be rather
personal, touching on intimate matters in my second-most intimate
relationship: my marriage. Be assured that I write with the full
knowledge and approval of my beloved wife. It’s our hope that if
this account of some of our struggles made known to everyone can help
someone, it will be worth it.
Every couple
brings complexities into their marriage, and where these complexities
cause friction are found the greatest opportunities for both
misunderstanding and growth as individuals and as a couple. This is
challenging enough when one member’s complexities simply annoy the
other member, but when both member’s quirks tend to amplify and
exacerbate each other, matters can escalate to the point of toxicity.
Let me give an example.
In the home I
grew up in, voices were rarely raised, at least by the adults. Even
discipline was attempted in a reasoned, controlled manner, to the
degree that was possible in a house with seven children. But matters
could never be controlled perfectly, which meant that if voices were
raised, it meant that matters were approaching extremis
– someone was in real trouble. Since there was a chance that
someone would be me, I learned from an early age that when things got
close to shouting, I should clam up and ease my way toward the
nearest exit, so as to make myself scarce until the trouble had blown
over.
My
beloved
was raised in a smaller family whose members had strong opinions and
were not afraid to voice them however loudly. This was done (usually)
without hostility (as opposed to my home, where a raised voice would
have presumed hostility), and emphatic conversations were assumed to
be a part of usual family discourse. However, another facet of that
family environment was a lot of indirect, non-verbal communications,
such as questions that were veiled accusations, or “innocent”
comments which contained suggestions or inferences. Another common
tactic was punishment by withdrawal of affection and attention. This
wasn’t uncommon in earlier generations, but that didn’t make it
easier for a confused child, already upset by being chastised for
some offense, to be cut off from reassurance or comfort as part of
the punishment. It could (and did) provoke emotional distress that
approached desperation.
My
beloved
and I entered marriage unaware of the significance of such formative
events in our respective upbringings. Had someone brought them up, we
would have acknowledged that they’d happened, but we
had no comprehension of how
much and in what ways our personalities had been shaped by them, and
how that formation would cause conflict in our marriage. In fact, it
was only the problems triggered by those conflicts that would drive
us to understand those influences clearly – and even then
it would take several years
and much difficult communication before we understood how
the dynamics of how those weaknesses could feed on and amplify each
other.
A
typical cycle might unfold like this: most often the triggering cause
would be fear (the usual suspect.) My
beloved
might fear the implications of something I did or said. This fear
would drive her to express her opinion or objection in a raised
voice, because in her experience, that was how you expressed that
something really mattered to you.
But I would not receive the communication in that spirit. To my
keenly attuned survival instincts, a raised voice signaled Big
Trouble Ahead – things were teetering on the brink of calamity, and
I’d better clam up, lie low, and make my escape as soon as I could.
That pattern would dictate my response, in the hopes that whatever
the actual topic was could be reapproached later, when things had
calmed down a bit.
Unbeknownst
to me, my beloved
had some keenly attuned survival instincts of her own – the ones
that had been formed in her childhood when affection had been
withdrawn from her just when she’d needed it most – and my
response was triggering those instincts. This would cause her to
escalate her response in hopes of heading off what seemed to be a
Dire Outcome in the making. She’d raise her voice yet more, and
sometimes get physically expressive, striking a counter or clenching
her fists or making some other display to try to connect with me
before I withdrew even more.
My
emotions knew nothing of her intents and motives. All they
knew was that an already dicey situation seemed to be spiraling out
of control, and the best I could hope for was to shut down and escape
before things got worse. After all, my emotions told me, I
must be the problem, so absenting myself must be the solution. I was
oblivious to the fact that I was throwing gasoline onto an already
blazing emotional fire. Neither of us were aware of the cyclical and
mutually aggravating nature of our behavior in such situations –
our responses were instinctive and unconsidered. It took a long time
and many difficult discussions before we began to grasp all the
factors which were contributing to these relational firestorms.
Any
outsider observing these meltdowns would have thought we were abusing
each other, apparently deliberately. That’s pretty much what it
felt like from the inside, too – like we were being abused. For my
part, I couldn’t comprehend why my beloved,
who was unwaveringly polite to store cashiers and strove to put
strangers at ease, would unleash on me tongue lashings of
a severity that my worst
offenses in childhood had never elicited. For
her part, she couldn’t comprehend why her companion, who had vowed
to stay by her through all trials, was
emotionally withdrawing, leaving her to face her inner distress
alone. From both of our perspectives, it looked like the other was
deliberately initiating something to torment us – while we were
just reflexively reacting according to long-learned behavior
patterns.
I’m
glad I wasn’t the kind of guy who had a gang of drinking buddies at
the corner bar to whom I could flee with my troubles. I’m sure I
could have made a case that I was being abused by my wife, and they
would have received it sympathetically. After all, I was a
responsible husband and father who paid the bills and helped around
the house – what had I done to justify being yelled at like I was a
scullery boy? (Not
that she would have yelled at a scullery boy.) I didn’t deserve
that treatment. For her part, she certainly could have found a circle
of friends (or online acquaintances, had such things existed at the
time) who would have affirmed her perception of my cruelty at
“freezing her out” or “going away”, and how how I’d shut
down communications just when things got difficult. Such outside
reassurance would have helped neither of us with the actual problems,
and could have hardened our internal convictions that the issue was
solely with the other person.
The
reality was much more
complex, touching on some of the deepest weaknesses and needs in both
our personalities. We were also under some severe external pressure
during those years, and my beloved
was in the first stages of chronic anxiety, something
she still works to control.
They were difficult years indeed, calling for a lot of prayer and
patience with each other and with ourselves.
A
major corner for me to turn wasn’t convincing my beloved
how badly she was treating me, or how much she needed to change, but
self awareness. My
pattern of handling distressing personal encounters – clam up, lie
low, get away – was totally unconscious on my part. I wasn’t even
aware I was doing it, so how could I possibly understand how it was
affecting my beloved?
Communications with her helped me to grasp just how alarming it was
for her to have the person she loved the most seek to withdraw just
when she needed him. These realizations let to more communications,
and deeper understanding of ourselves and each other.
I
wish I could say that we’ve put all that behind us, but such
deep-seated personality traits don’t uproot easily. Better
understanding does lead to quicker resolution, and these days when we
find ourselves falling into the familiar pattern, we more swiftly
recognize that “here we go again”, which helps us to pull out
sooner. What I want to emphasize is how much patience, trust, and
perseverance it took to make headway on just this facet of our
relationship (and believe me, there are others.) In today’s
environment, where personal experience is deemed the final and
ultimate authority (“Nobody can deny my experience!”), it would
have been far too easy for me to rush to the conclusion that my
beloved
was an abusive person. After all, her treatment of me sure felt
abusive, and I couldn’t see any wrong I had done her that justified
that. She could have made the
same case against me - how my treatment of her had distressed her
beyond any reasonable limit, and how I’d made myself emotionally
unavailable to her just when she’d needed it most. But,
by the grace of God, we were both able to suspend judgment and keep
communicating until we began to see that the circumstances were more
complex than they appeared, and what looked (and felt) like abusive
behavior was actually the interplay of defensive patterns we’d
developed over the years.
I’m
recounting this because I’ve known far too many marriages that have
broken down because one or both parties have dug into their own
perceptions (“What more do I need to know?”), shut down
communications, and refused to grow in understanding themselves or
their spouse. In some cases this has led to “ossified” marriages,
where both parties participate in a superficial manner but give up on
any deep personal intimacy. In other cases it’s led to shattered
families, broken hearts, and relational damage that spans
generations. Persistence, patience, prayer, charity, and giving the
benefit of the doubt pay off. As one of my very wise daughters once
commented about her marriage, “We’re in this together for the
rest of our lives – we may as well figure out how to make it work.”